Editor’s note: We asked the author to write a semi-regular column for us on the challenges of being a husband and father, all while operating a successful business (Chick-fil-A) and being an active member in his community.



Commentary By Mike Holmes

Special to The North Jefferson News

Recently, a friend of mine shared with me with great excitement that he and his wife had just found out that they were expecting for the first time.

Interestingly, his exact remark was that “we’re pregnant.”

I find it curious that the phrase “my wife is pregnant” has been replaced with “we’re pregnant” over the last 10 years or so. I guess the origin of the phrase is in no small part due to the fact that we men have gone through an age of awakening to the harsh realization that while our wife may bear the burden of carrying the child, we experience major life changes during those nine glorious months, too.

While I distinctly remember the “birds and the bees” talk with dear old dad, I don’t recall any conversation about what to expect when she’s expecting. (Note to self-schedule this talk with my son when the time comes.)

This should be a mandatory part of premarital counseling.

For me, all the excitement of pregnancy came to a screeching halt at the first sight of my wife hovered over the porcelain altar and an overall transformation in her behavior that rivaled anything I had seen in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde movie.

The whole experience took our relationship into a new world that I never could have anticipated during those innocent days of dating.

As I continue to reminisce about that period of my life, I feel compelled to share my learnings with other unsuspecting fathers-to-be so they can at least be more prepared than I was for the cyclone of changes that are blowing your way.

So here we go with my “Pregnancy for Dummies” abbreviated edition:

• The first three months you can expect to experience total elation, followed shortly by your first taste of the total loss of dignity that is yet to come.

• Chances are pretty good that your home may take on the feel of a fraternity house complete with vomiting and lots of lounging on the sofa. This may be perplexing because she won’t even look pregnant yet.

• Key to survival: Wait on her hand and foot. No matter how ridiculous her request, make it happen.

• Say “I’m Sorry” a lot! Trust me on this one.

When you make it to month seven, you may feel like you’re home free. Not so fast, my friend. This may prove the toughest yet. Yes, you are in the home stretch, but now you can expect to meet up with a few minor personality changes in your wife.

During this stretch, she is going to be cranky. (I’m being kind here.) The excitement of the pregnancy is long gone and she just wants this alien in her tummy exorcised.

By now, her feet are swelling and she’s resorted to the dreaded granny panties. This is not a time for the faint of heart. Be strong. You are now entering the fire swamp where saying the wrong thing could unleash the hounds of hell.

You may think that lighthearted ribbing of your wife about her ever-expanding body may lighten her mood and relieve her of any concerns you may have about her new “Roseanne-like” figure.

Please, I beg you, do not venture down this path. Any references like “Big ‘Un,” “Buffet Buster” or “Bessie the Cow,” will likely be met with a fatal right hook followed by hours of uncontrollable sobbing (I’m speaking from experience here).

If you will follow these simple suggestions, it will keep you looking like a prince to your wife and not the toad.

And lastly, don’t let the experience ruin the journey. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing. It is just one more confirmation of our creator’s beautiful design in us as human beings.

Looking back, I can say without a doubt that it truly brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined. The day you hold that newborn baby in your arms for the first time makes it all worth while.

So hang on for the ride of your life. It’s all good.

By the way, did I mention post-partum? Never mind.