Commentary By Robert Carter

The North Jefferson News



At last, the old year is done — is the election over yet? — and the new year is upon us. And of course, every good sports fan knows what January 1 means.

Outdoor hockey.

It’s the NHL Winter Classic, with the Detroit Red Wings taking on the Chicago Blackhawks at Wrigley Field. Uh-huh, that Wrigley Field. I don’t know if the ghost of Harry Caray will sing “Take Me Out to the Hockey Match” during the second intermission, but it would be way cool.

There’s some football, of course. Bowl games, five to be exact, but only one is worth a flip of the clicker. Check out Penn State at Southern Cal in the Rose Bowl, or as ABC and ESPN incessantly call it, “The Grandaddy Of Them All.” The other four are mediocre at best — Georgia and Michigan State in the Outback Bowl are evenly matched — and duds at worst.

So after the bleacher bums leave the hockey match at Wrigley and Joe Paterno wheels his way out of the Rose Bowl, it time to do what we do best: make new year’s resolutions.

I have a whole stack of them. Most involve Slim-Fast or some other diet aid. You can’t tell from my photo above, but none of those resolutions have panned out very well. That’s a huge surprise.

I do a much better job making up resolutions for other folks. The success rate isn’t any better, but it’s more fun. So with that in mind, here are some new year’s resolutions for a few figures in the sports world.

Joe Paterno: Negotiate a contract with Penn State that keeps him in place through the year 2026. If he makes it that far, and he’s given no indication he won’t, he’ll be coaching a bowl game just after his 100th birthday. (By the way, is there anyone who really doesn’t like Joe Pa?)

Gene Chizik: Have his new home and the Auburn football complex screened for bugs planted by Bobby Lowder. Not that Lowder needs any bugs, of course, since he has so many moles within the Tiger football program anyway.

The winless, hapless Detroit Lions: Better luck in their new competitive home, NCAA Division II. I think they’ll go 5-7 next year, even though they’ll face tough games against Carson-Newman and Valdosta State.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones: Buy a new pair of boots, because he’ll wear out his current pair after kicking lots of people out the door since they missed the NFL playoffs so miserably.

Nick Saban: Get a good life jacket. He’ll need it when he finally does have to prove that he cannot actually walk on water.

ESPN analyst/gadfly/goofball Kenny Mayne: See if he can stick with a regular gig on SportsCenter — or anywhere else on The Worldwide Leader — for more than two weeks at a time. It’s a darn shame, because sometimes he’s the only thing worth watching there. Maybe he could do poker commentary: “There’s several men sitting around a table, looking at small pieces of cardboard with funny pictures printed on them. One of them just sprained his chip-stacking thumb and will have to see Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama for rehab.”

Paul Finebaum: Cancel the membership in the Hair Club for Men. It’s not working out. But with all the shenanigans down at Auburn, everything else is working out pretty well, so it’s a wash.

UAB basketball coach Mike Davis: Hang out at the student rec center and see if there are any prospects playing some pickup games. With a roster down to just eight players — two quit, two others are out on grades — before Blazer football linebacker Mike Jones signed on last week, Davis needs some manpower in case his team runs into foul trouble.

Charles Barkley: Stay away from the 2010 governor’s race. Everyone loves a goofy old jock — see “Stabler, Kenny” — and nobody loves a politician. However, exceptions have been made for politicians with bad golf games — see “Ford, Gerald.”

Mark Gottfried: Don’t be quite so enthusiastic in pre-season interviews. It might come back to hurt you when you lose to such NCAA basketball powerhouses as Mercer, or barely beat Yale (2-7) at home, as was the case Sunday night. You don’t look too good when you edge out a team whose best-known cheer is, “That’s all right, that’s okay, you’re gonna work for us someday!”