Harriette Cole

Dear Harriette: How do I stop settling for emotionally unavailable people just because I’m afraid of being alone? I’ve noticed a pattern in my dating life. All the men I go out with seem to have a few things in common: They refuse to commit, they’re always “too busy” and they rarely put in the effort to truly get to know me or make me feel valued. At first, they show just enough interest to keep me hooked, but eventually I end up feeling like I’m the one doing all the emotional labor. It’s exhausting, and honestly, it hurts. The worst part is, I see the red flags early on, but I stay anyway because a part of me fears that if I let go, there won’t be anyone else. I don’t want to keep choosing people who treat me like an afterthought, but I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. How can I stop mistaking breadcrumbs for love and start believing I deserve more? — Seeking True Love

Dear Seeking True Love: Make a list of the traits you value in a relationship. What do you want from a partner? Be specific about the qualities that make you happy and what you do not like. Based upon past experience, recall situations that bothered you. What were the warning signs that something wasn’t right? As you meet other men, observe their behaviors. Notice what you like and what you don’t. Take your time getting to know someone. Be honest about what you want in a relationship, and ask what he wants as well. Then watch to see how the person behaves. Take your time. Don’t go all in until the person has proven to be worthy of your love. 

Harriette Cole is founder of Dreamleapers, an initiative to help people activate their dreams. Send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com.