Toilet paper caper? Local towns bowled over by rash of fluffy thefts.

Published 5:15 am Saturday, January 25, 2020

Why does anyone want to steal toilet paper? Well…beyond the obvious.

We’re not talking about sparing a square for Elaine on Seinfeld here; nor about an extra roll to take home in a true do-or-die emergency. In fact, it’s safe to say a lot of folks probably wouldn’t look the other way (metaphorically, of course) if they found out you yourself had been guilty, once or twice in a time of abject need, of absconding — from work, from school, from an in-law’s house — with an innocently “borrowed” roll of 2-ply.

Nope, what we’re talking about is all-you-can-carry theft; outright toilet paper purloining; the kind of larceny that requires commitment. The kind that takes real muscle — or, given the 12’’ diameter of the heavy bulk rolls that’ve been going missing lately, maybe even a wheelbarrow. The kind, in fact, that’s been plaguing local parks, stores, and other public-facing areas where restrooms are open for…business.

Bathroom vandalism got so bad at Baileyton that the town recently decided to spend some serious cash just to flush the problem out of sight — by putting the would-be TP thieves in sight. Now, with full security camera coverage on the town’s park, senior center, medical center, storm shelter, parking areas, playground, town hall, and — of course — “all the bathrooms, which is going to be a big lifesaver on toilet paper,” as mayor Johnny Dyar said at a recent council meeting, Baileyton has watched its toilet paper theft (and other types of vandalism) all but vanish down the drain.

“Oh Lord, yes, it’s cut down on the toilet paper theft,” said Dyar this week, now that the cameras have had a chance to do their thing. “The surveillance is just helping all around. We can watch everything that goes on. I sit here at night, jumping from one monitor to the other, and you’d be surprised what goes on around your park and your town hall.”

Baileyton’s not the only place where toilet paper plundering, and just bathroom vandalism in general, has been a problem. Town leaders at Fairview, just a few miles down from Baileyton on Alabama Highway 69, recently discussed ways to put a stop to toilet paper M.I.A. incidents at their municipal park. And, lest anyone think we’re dealing with an issue that’s unique only to the county’s east side, miles to the south in Hanceville, mayor Kenneth Nail says bathroom theft and destruction have been a perennial — and costly — problem.

“It’s a struggle — not just here but everywhere,” he explained recently. “I’ve talked to the other mayors, too, and they all say it’s a struggle to keep your restrooms decent in general. It costs us. People vandalize; they tear stuff up, and yeah, they do steal the toilet paper. It finds its way out of there quite often.”

Right next door to the Fairview town hall where council members debated ways to wipe out all the thievery, Hopper’s Family Market — a well-stocked, well-lit, and all-around nicely-appointed grocery store — welcomes customers. When the market first opened back in 2011, the public restrooms, right up near the entrance, were freely open for all to use.

Now when you visit Hopper’s and you feel a sudden urge, you have to go ask for a bathroom key. The store’s staff is friendly and helpful, and more than happy to fetch one for you — but, says Jimmie Hopper, who owns the store with her husband Mike — things weren’t always this way.

“Anybody can use it, but now it just kind of has to be monitored,” she said in a recent phone chat with The Times. “Our problem wasn’t just toilet paper. Our biggest thing was theft from the store. Somebody takes the stickers off of some meat and puts them on something more expensive, like steaks, and they were doing that in the bathrooms. We had trouble with vandalism; with our sink that hangs on the wall, and on the toilet…you could tell that somebody might have been standing on things — looking for ways to drop things off so someone else could pick them up.

“It’s a shame, because you’ve got all these good and honest people, and they’re living all around in the area that we serve,” she added. “Those are most of the ones we see and the people we know. We appreciate and value all of our customers, and the bathrooms are there for them. We don’t tell people ‘no.’ Anybody who asks anytime can come to customer service and it’s no big deal. But we had to do something to address all the problems.”

Indeed, making too big a stink about what often amounts to petty theft can be, well…petty, admits Baileyton mayor Dyar. “We haven’t tried to prosecute anyone for it,” he confessed. “We don’t want to be mean. But the way I look at it is like this: If you need toilet paper, come and ask. I’ll give you a roll or two of toilet paper. I’m happy to help.”