Commentary by Adam Smith

The North Jefferson News



I, like millions of other Americans, watched the third and final presidential debate last week.

It was the fourth debate of the presidential election season, including the vice presidential debate, that I had seen at least part or all of.

Last Wednesday’s debate left me with emotions I had not really felt watching the other sparring matches — disgust, distrust and bemusement.

More importantly, it left me with questions. Questions like:

• What was Barack Obama smiling about?

• Why did John McCain keep licking his lips while having a crazy look in his eye?

• Just what does “spread the wealth” mean?

• Who in the heck is “Joe the plumber”?

It was that last question that took up a sizeable chunk of my Thursday. I found out that “Joe the plumber” is in fact an Ohio plumber named Joe Wurzelbacher. As it turns out, Joe’s not the prime example of the American dream that McCain led us believe.

“Joe the plumber” as it turns out makes about $40,000 (low pay for a plumber, if you ask me) and he may or may not have paid his taxes last year. Perhaps his low wages and hatred of the Internal Revenue Service makes him the prime example of the American dream, after all.

On Thursday, I spent about an hour and a half or more trying to find “Joe the plumber.” Not the real “Joe the plumber,” but a plumber named Joe in our coverage area.

No luck.

I called every plumbing service in the north Jefferson County phone directory to no avail.

“We have a Joey that’s a plumber,” said one woman. “But he hasn’t worked in a while because he has a bad back.”

Other plumbing businesses treated my request to talk to “Joe the plumber” as if it were a fraternity prank, and I don’t guess I can blame them.

I also talked to the Birmingham switchboard operator for Roto-Rooter. The conversation went something like this:

“Yes, this is Adam Smith at The North Jefferson News in Gardendale. I have a strange question for you. I was wondering if you might …”

Then she interrupted me.

“You’re looking for ‘Joe the plumber,’ aren’t you? You’re the 20th person to call here today looking for ‘Joe the plumber.’”

It was one of the few times in my life where I felt so completely unoriginal.

“Drats!” I thought. “Someone else has copied my idea!”

So, I gave my name and number to the nice but frazzled Roto-Rooter switchboard operator and she said she’d have someone call me back from the main office.

About 30 minutes later I get a call from Paul with Roto-Rooter in Cincinnati.

“I understand you’re looking for ‘Joe the plumber,’” said Paul in a distinct yankee-fied accent.

“I reckon I am,” I said in my exaggerated southern drawl. “But I reckon every other newspaper reporter is looking for him, too.”

Paul said I was out of luck in finding a “Joe the plumber” in my immediate coverage area. He said his office had been bombarded with similar requests after the Wednesday debate.

He said he found a “Joey the plumber” somewhere in the Bronx (go figure!) but Joey was none too keen on talking to any small-minded newspaper folk who don’t understand the day-to-day pressures of things like replacing rusty pipe joints, or being up to your knees in human waste or the trials and tribulations of trying to keep your pants up wearing a 20 pound tool belt.

Such is life, Joey. Such is life.

To end this rambling diatribe on a sad note, I still haven’t found “Joe the plumber.” However, I’m sure he’s out there.

He’s probably at the Lowe’s in Fultondale getting prices on PVC piping or he’s replacing a commode at some Warrior apartment complex. Or, he’s enjoying a well-earned day off, drinking a Natural Light while adjusting the headers on his ‘78 Camaro. Drink up, Joe. I’m sure you’ve earned it.

If you know a “Joe the plumber” in the north Jefferson County area, please have him call me. I would like to ask a few painless questions about how he feels about the presidential race and the state of nation.

Also tell him that I don’t know anyone at the IRS.

Thanks in advance for helping me realize this undying dream of talking to “Joe the plumber.”