I’m willing to play second fiddle to president

Published 2:09 pm Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Commentary by Adam Smith

The North Jefferson News



It’s now official: We have two presidential candidates who will be vying for our votes in November.

However, what’s not clear is who Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama will choose for their running mates. There has been a lot of speculation about who may get the respective vice presidential nod.

However, if I may be so bold, let me throw another name into the pot: Adam Smith.

First, let me say I don’t know how much the job pays. I’m sure there’s a set salary for vice presidents, but we can negotiate my pay after I help win the election for either McCain or Obama.

Yes, that’s right, I am up for grabs for either candidate. What qualifications do I have? Well, I’m glad you asked.

Here are some other things I will bring to the table:

• I can spell potato, unlike Dan Quayle

• I don’t consider myself a particularly boring fellow, unlike Al Gore

• I don’t own a shotgun, so the chances of me shooting a hunting partner in the face are decreased significantly

I’ve observed our last couple of vice presidents very closely and found they really don’t do too much. That being said, I can stay out of sight completely, if you need me to. Does the vice presidential office have a small refrigerator and cable television? That’s all I need really.

Sure, I’ll be happy to pose for photos with Boy Scouts and White House tourists. I can even cook and clean a little if the struggling economy means you have to lay off some White House staff.

I can be your biggest supporter and back you up on anything you say. I have even coined my own catchphrase: “Sounds like a fine idea, chief!”

After all, I don’t want to be caught up in the middle of all this war and gas nonsense. What I seek is simple — an air conditioned office, an attractive secretary and my name on bumper stickers and campaign buttons nationwide. Can’t you see it now?

“McCain / Smith ’08”

“Obama / Smith ’08”

And I also have to say, the boring commonality of the “Smith” name balances out the Scottish and Islamic-sounding names of the presidential hopefuls. Let’s face it John and Barack, you need me. And I need you, too. Well, I need what I mentioned earlier — an air conditioned office, attractive secretary, cable television, small refrigerator.

Lastly, I’ll do great in any vice presidential debates. I have a lot on my mind and I think I express it pretty good.

However, the American people don’t want to hear a bunch of empty campaign promises and jargon from the vice presidential hopefuls. So once again, I’m willing to adapt. I’ve invented ideas for three vice presidential debates that would be more entertaining and also give Americans a better idea of the best man for the job.

The first debate: Pictionary — I will crush my vice presidential opponent with my mad drawing skills.

The second debate: Staring competition — The first man who blinks is obviously the weaker man.

The last debate: Arm wrestling — You don’t want a weak vice presidential running mate who will have his lunch money taken daily by the guys in the Pentagon, do you? I didn’t think so.

I won’t let you down. I’ll report to work daily, unless I have a headache, stomach ache or a cold.

I’m available to the highest bidder, or the candidate with the biggest television or most attractive secretary.

Just call me.

I’ll be here.

Waiting.

My number’s in the phone book.

I’ll keep picking up the phone every once in a while to make sure there’s a dial tone.

Call me.

Thanks.